FBI Agent "Schooner": Baltimore's Dumb-Ass Extraordinaire

Imagine the following scenario: a highly productive software engineer with degrees in Computer Science and Philosophy is quickly rising through the ranks of a defense contractor working for the Information Awareness Office.  In the wake of the attacks of 9/11, this software engineer directs the programming department at one of the country's few Artificial Intelligence firms.  His work is helping Bush's "war on terrorism."

This software engineer is bright, friendly, kind and thoughtful.  He also happens to be an anarchist.  Even anarchists need to earn a living, and this engineer has a wife and daughter to feed.  At this point, he still believes al-Qaeda attacked the US and that his work can help prevent another attack.  Our software engineer is popular at work, well liked and is known for doing things like giving up part of his salary to help pay the monthly health insurance of a laid off worker, volunteering his time to help his daughter's school with their instructional computers and doing whatever he can to remove the glass ceiling keeping women out of various technical groups at his company.  He has in IQ in the genius range, obtained the highest possible score in a standardized abstract reasoning examine conducted when he was in school and is a prolific writer, a published poet and political activist.

While discussing political issues online, an FBI agent from the Baltimore Field Office, using the online name "Schooner" (hereafter referred to as Agent Dumb-Ass) is crawling around the net like a perverted hate monger looking for IP addresses of Muslims and Anarchists online for the purpose of investigating them.  He gets a whiff about a military contractor that happens to be an anarchist and zeros in on our software engineer.  When our software engineer realizes that someone is scrounging for IP addresses in an attempt to harass dissidents online, he creates his own online forum where IP addresses are hidden so that dissidents can write and discuss politics without being observed by Agent Dumb-Ass.

Agent Dumb-Ass is incensed by his inability to collect more information on the identities of Muslims, Anarchists and Liberals posting on the new forum, so he begins to post pornographic images on the forum in the hope of having the corporation that hosts it, Voyager Info-Systems, shut it down for TOS violations.  In time, our software engineer, badgered and tired out by Agent Dumb-Ass, closes his forum and announces that he closed it because of Agent Dumb-Ass's hounding.

In response, Agent Dumb-Ass declares war on the software engineer, threatening "to get inside his ISP" (i.e. use Carnivore to monitor him), "drop a dime on him" (i.e. get him fired from his job) and "develop and post information about him on the Internet" (i.e. put up a bully website and publish false, libelous and defamatory articles about the software engineer).

Up until this point, our software engineer, an anarchist, is using his keen intellect to help in the war against terrorism.  However, as the harassment by Agent Dumb-Ass increases, our software engineer becomes starkly aware that such surveillance technologies (the very technologies he is developing) are being used by agents of the US Government to harass Muslims and dissidents.  Our software engineer decides to begin warning the world about what the Information Awareness Office is doing.  Nothing our software engineer knows is classified.  All of the information he has is available online from DARPA's website.  Therefore, nothing he is stating in his warnings is barred from public exposure.

Agent Dumb-Ass has the Defense Intelligence Agency visit the employer of our software engineer and succeeds in getting him fired for being an anarchist.  The US Government has now lost a brilliant mind in its "war on terrorism."  However, even worse for the US Government, it has let loose someone who knows a few things that others do not know.  For example, it has let loose a person that witnessed the Israeli Spy Ring shadowing al-Qaeda which visited his office.  It has also let loose a person who, given the time to think about what happened on 9/11, is able to put together the most probable theory behind the actual events - that George Bush ordered the attack, used the Mossad to plan and cover logistics and used al-Qaeda (a CIA operation) to recruit useful idiots to execute the plan under the false belief they were fighting a holy war.

It gets even better, the US Government now has to deal with a person who both had knowledge of the US Government's efforts to spy on American citizens and who was a target of that spying.  Naturally, with so much time on his hands, being unemployed and all, and being an effective writer with various websites, our software engineer was now in the position to bring down the Information Awareness Office.  In fact, he was in the position of being not only the most informed person no longer loyal to the program but one of the few people capable of using almost no resources to do it.  Agent Dumb-Ass decided to let the author of the concept of meme warfare out of the government's employ and onto the net with lots of time available.  What a dumb-ass!

Being in the unique position to both understand why it was in the interest of the American people to stop the Information Awareness Office and being in the unique position of being the only person in the United States who knew how to stop the Information Awareness Office, our software engineer set out to do just that - and succeeded, causing the US Government to scrap major projects, exposing the maliciousness of the Department of Defense and removing John Poindexter for the Information Awareness Office.  That act alone puts Agent Dumb-Ass at the top of the list of the most stupid FBI agents in the history of the United States, but Agent Dumb-Ass did not stop there.

Agent Dumb-Ass continued to abuse his authority by committing online crimes against our software engineer and online hate crimes against Arabs and Muslims.  Agent Dumb-Ass used Carnivore to obtain our software engineer's emails and, in one case, post one online - therefore proving that FBI agents cannot be trusted with the power that Carnivore provides.  Of course, this was not enough for Agent Dumb-Ass.  He also dragged in the Secret Service, Homeland Security, various local police departments and other government agencies, costing the tax payer millions of dollars, all to assist in his personal war against an anarchist who was not even a member of an organization.

Agent Dumb-Ass then used Carnivore to alter his target's website, denying his target his First Amendment Rights (a civil rights crime) and exposing the use of Carnivore for purposes other than the FBI claimed.  In fact, Agent Dumb-Ass has proved that the FBI lied to Congress about the use of Carnivore.

I am that software engineer.  Here is something FBI Agent Dumb-Ass posted in a public forum.  It should help his boss figure out who to fire.

Copyright © 2004, Stephen DeVoy.  Since the FBI has declared war on me in an effort to rob me of my First Amendment rights, I return the favor by giving anyone and everyone the right to republish this page without permission, for profit or for free.