Santa Cruz decries attack on mom n' pop Rolex store, corporate chains

In the wake of last week's May Day (uprising?) riots, Santa Cruz residents are still expressing shock at the brazen attacks on mom n' pop corporate chain stores and high end jewelry boutiques. According to Dar Williamson, owner of the mom n' pop Williamson Rolex Emporium, last week's (uprising?) riots couldn't have come at a worse time for Rolex sales, which have been at an all time low. "I just don't understand it, everyone deserves the right to purchase a diamond studded gold Rolex."

Local resident Winifred Pennyfeather agrees, "I am shocked and outraged that anyone would even think poorly of our brave corporate franchises that do so much to ensure a homogenous shopping experience and prosperous future for everyone."

Pennyfeather, who also chairs Take Back Santa Cruz, a community organization dedicated to ignoring growing economic inequality and shifting the debate to preserving middle class values, believes the (uprising?) riots were a result of too much sugar in today's soft drinks. "It is a known fact that too much sugar leads to dancing, and dancing leads to rioting, and sometimes even sex," Pennyfeather said. She went on to advocate for 7pm curfews and mandatory family TV nights for all Santa Cruz residents.

But such measures don't go far enough for local politicians. In a joint statement today by city council members Lynn Robinson, Mike Rotkin, and Ryan Coonerty, the city is exploring ways to increase security for corporate chain franchises and high-end mom n' pop boutiques that cater to rich-as-shit tourists.

Plans include calling in the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), the National Security Agency (NSA), the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF), former KGB agents, Mosaad, and the Coast Guard. Coonerty added that he's mulling calling in Blackwater to have mercenaries stationed on every corner.

"It is high time we all came together to defend commerce against these vile, scurrilous, senseless acts of violence on property and profits. We need some mustached-mercenaries on the streets to protect the bling bling, knowhatI'ssayin"?" Coonerty said.

Local radio talk show personality/old crotchety white guy John Sandidge agrees, "It's true I enjoy and promote the subversive music of the Devil Makes Three and Utah Phillips. I also give away tickets to Micheal Moore movies. But people need to understand that there's a huge difference between singing or watching a movie about the overthrow of capitalism and actually giving it a swift kick in the nuts."

Still, there is some dissension among the ranks of Santa Cruz's elite. Editor of the Santa Cruz Sentinel (based in Scots Valley) Don Miller had this to offer, "You know, for a long time my paper has just been a sounding board for real estate agents, the police department, and local rednecks, but the May 1st (uprising?) riots have made me rethink my commitment to the logic of capital. I mean, there's a lot of class and racial disparity in this country and Santa Cruz County is no different. Maybe I should move my paper's headquarters to Watsonville and start publishing regular editorials by the Brown Berets."

Overall though, the consensus has been on the side of corporate chains and expensive jewelry stores. Sparky Boxcar McGill, an area homeless guy, thinks it's unfair that anarchists attacked Williamson Rolex Emporium. "It just ain't right. American Capitalism has long served the needs of everyone. Nobody goes hungry here and we're all treated equally under the eyes of the law and logic of commerce. I mean, I can walk into Urban Outfitters and try on some pants made in a sweatshop in Bangladesh just like anyone, right? And Rolex watches? I'm all up in that, once the economy gets back on its feet, I'm hookin' up myself with one of those doohickeys for sure...bling bling bitches!"